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By A. Phony
ORLANDO- "Well, I'm sure SOMEBODY out there will find the golden lawn gnome brain," says Meg La'nown, the owner of a lawn gnome accessories shop called "Tee hee hee. If You Re-arrange the Letters in Meg La'nown it Spells Lawn Gnome!" in Florida. Ya know, lawn gnome accessories. Like spare pointy red hats and paints for those who choose to paint their own gnomes. (and people's spare car keys...).
La'nown is sponsoring a worldwide contest to find the golden lawn gnome brain. Whoever finds them wins a trip to Orlando and a three day stay at umm. . . a retirement home. Along with the trip comes a tour of the "employees only" section of La'nown's lawn gnome accessory shop (oooh. aaah.), ten octillian dollars (written in numbers as $10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000) and a 60 second trip to Disney World courtesy of "Tee hee hee. If You Re-arrange the Letters in Meg La'nown it Spells Lawn Gnome!"
But now, how do you find the golden lawn gnome brain? "Well, it's just like finding regular lawn gnome brain. You take them by their pointy red hat and smash their face against a brick wall. It's that easy, my friends!" says La'nown. "If the golden brain falls out, call 555-LAWN-GNOME and we'll schedule you a very elegant greyhound bus to get you here!"
But alas, there can only be one winner. But that winner might be you! Take your lawn gnome! Bash its head in! I said BASH ITS HEAD IN! Go now! Remember folks, ten OCTILLION dollars! You hear!?!? OCTILLION! That's a whole lot of zeros! And a whole lot of money! You must find the golden brain! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Are Lawn Gnomes Turning in their Pointy hats for Turbans?
By H.G. Wells
Everyone knows about Osama Bin Laden and his evil reign of terror. But how many of you know about his alliance with the lawn gnomes?
Says Bin Laden: "All Taliban Leaders, terrorists, and people in Al-Qaida have lawn gnomes. Lawn Gnomes also help destroy American satan!"
We sent a reporter to Afghanistan to see if this was true. He never returned. So if I were you, I'd believe it.